The Energetic Reality of the Collaborative Process
Some things in life are objective, tangible, external – a house, tax returns, school schedule, 401(k) balance. Other things are subjective, intangible, internal – feelings, thoughts, beliefs, values. The visible exterior and the invisible interior. The traditional legal system only deals with the visible – bank accounts and tax returns. If a couple has children, the court has jurisdiction over things that an objective third party can assess and enforce. Exterior behaviors. Interiors cannot be regulated. A judge cannot order a party to care. A person’s values defy direct control, so they come into play indirectly.
The Collaborative Process expressly includes consideration of the interior aspects of divorce. While the goal is a legal (external) divorce, all professionals are much more mindful of the transformation taking place in each party’s inner world and the “death” of what previously was a shared sense of “we.” Experienced Collaborative Practitioners have been helping people uncouple consciously long before the term was coined.
This brings me to “energy.”
Each human has an energy field. Some people call it the “aura.” You can feel it as your personal space. Science has confirmed it. The National Institutes of Health, labeling it the human “biofield,” acknowledges that disease shows up in the biofield prior to manifesting physically.
As a trained healer and someone who has received energy work (“healing”) and has been the instrument of healing for many years, I can tell you that awareness and maintenance of one’s energy field can improve outcomes of and satisfaction of clients in Collaborative cases. What does that entail?
- Self-regulation is foundational. In Collaborative divorces, we rarely hear about attorneys screaming at each other. Clients’ behavior can dysregulate anyone on the team. And we are trained to deal with that. In a typical cascade, an innocent statement by a professional can be misinterpreted, setting off one client who then reacts and sets off the other spouse. Sometimes, the reaction of the clients might put one or more of the professionals on the defensive. Once you see things spiraling, the first step is to breathe – regulate your own nervous system. A deep breath tells your body that you are safe which, once the stress hormones subside, allows you to access higher orders of problem-solving. The step before this is even more important – that is to see it. The pause between stimulus and response is where a person can observe what is happening and choose their behavior.
- Balance empathy and boundaries. Chances are the divorcing couple we are helping has trauma and, in some cases, mental health issues. Both people face significant upheavals in their daily routine, their finances, the future trajectory of where life is going. In order to hold space for a divorcing person, they need to feel our empathy. We model empathy and then they learn to empathize which can facilitate settlement. On the flip side, too much empathy is not functional. Boundaries are necessary. The Collaborative Process gives a client a forum to negotiate new boundaries with their spouse. And we, as professionals, need to model that also. Clarity around attendance at meetings, homework and payment of fees gives clients a structure that can then be translated into them adapting to new structures post-divorce.
- Floss daily, deep clean periodically. Without a routine of stepping out of clients’ dramas and re-centering one’s true identity; a Collaborative professional will burn out. These cases can be intense and draining. Some people exercise: some make pottery. Personally, I meditate daily – with specific energetic cleansing exercises I do on a regular basis. “Periodic Deep Clean” means that, at least a couple of times a year, I go to my energy worker (maybe you have a therapist or a really good hairdresser) who listens and helps me access and release stuff that I had been holding on to. We need trusted people to help us see our blind spots. It takes a village. If you are a Collaborative professional, let others support you so that you can be fully present and support your clients.
This all said, after 20 plus years of doing this work, divorcing couples are now finding Collaborative Practice in greater numbers. Our initial task includes qualifying clients. Collaborative is not all kumbaya. Some high conflict couples can succeed. My point is that practitioner will shake up the energy of the clients. Either consciously or unconsciously, the practitioner will process it. In the best situations, the professionals help the client(s) to process it, so they don’t repeat the patterns that caused the divorce.
In addition, I say, “Collaborative is not for everyone.” If you are a practitioner thinking about joining us, be ready to give up control. Clients come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. Those of us who have been doing it a long time have gotten used to the chaos. We trust the process and can get them to their “new normal” even if it looks messy. Some attorneys struggle with giving control to the non-legal professionals. Building trust (an interior state) among professionals is very important.
If you are a client wondering if this will work for you, pay attention to your “interior.” Trust your gut. Body wisdom is a thing. Talk to people you trust. Listen to your heart. If you embark on this journey, choose your guide(s) carefully. You may not have a clear sense of the ultimate destination – all the more reason to choose Collaborative Divorce. If you get on the litigation train, you lose a lot of autonomy and could end up in a place you never would have booked a ticket for.
In summary, the Collaborative Process takes a more holistic view of the divorce process and the individuals who are divorcing. As they address both the visible exterior and the invisible interior, practitioners are called upon to develop and flex skill sets that are not taught in their formal education. Clients also are encouraged to grow in their capacity to consider the needs and interests of the entire family unit, not just of themselves. When Collaborative truly succeeds, the entire team comes away a bit changed for the better.
Theresa Beran Kulat is a Mediator, Attorney, Astrologer, Coach, Author, Speaker, Mom, Quantum Healer and a wearer of many hats. “Teri” to her friends and when she is on stage. A woman committed to Love in all its expressions who supports people as they journey to authentic self-expression and lives filled with Joy, Peace and Love. Theresa, a pioneer in the Collaborative Law movement, has been helping people divorce with dignity for over 20 years. Now she offers “Intentional Relationship Design” to support people in creating partnership so they can be truly Happy – no matter what the relationship looks like.
She belongs to the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and the DuPage County Bar Association.
Theresa received a B.A. with Honors in Economics from John Carroll University and her J.D. with Honors from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Previous employers include the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago; Proctor & Gamble; and Ottosen Britz, Ltd.
Her writing credits include: “Holistic Divorce: An Opportunity for Transformation,” published in Stress Free Divorce, and the “Collaborative Process Act” chapter in Gitlin on Divorce. She provides training and public speaking through her other company, Trinity Collaboration, Inc.
