How To Keep Your Divorce Calm and Civil
A calm and civil divorce reduces stress, costs, and conflict while protecting your children and preserving future relationships. By choosing Collaborative Divorce professionals for your divorce, building a supportive network, managing emotions, and keeping your kids out of disputes, you can move forward with dignity and a healthier foundation for the next chapter of your life.
While emotions, uncertainty, tension, and stress naturally run high in a divorce, it is possible to keep the divorce process both calm and civil. This not only protects your well-being but will also reduce costs, preserve important relationships, and help you to move forward with less baggage. Here are some key strategies:
Start with the “Right” Divorce Professionals
Many people when they initially face the prospect of a divorce believe they need a “bulldog” attorney. They assume they need someone who is loud and aggressive, who will “fight” for them. But aggressive doesn’t mean the same thing as effective. The better approach is choosing a process that involves professionals who are trained in a collaborative approach including attorneys, mediators, financial professionals or divorce coaches. These divorce professionals know through training and experience how to reduce conflict, guide you through decisions, and keep the emotional and financial costs in check.
Build a Supportive Network
Beyond your professional team, it is important to have the right support system. This could include trusted friends, family, or a therapist. The key is to surround yourself with people who lift you up without fueling anger or resentment toward your spouse. Friends who constantly bad-mouth your soon to be ex or push you to “fight for more” can make the process harder and they can actually be pointing you in the wrong direction. Instead, lean on those who encourage calm and constructive coping and who allow you to vent when needed, but who also keep their emotions out of the fray.
Don’t Let Emotions Drive Decisions
Divorce understandably brings out a flood of emotions: anger, grief, fear, and frustration are all common. These emotions are completely valid, of course. The challenge is not allowing those feelings to control your decision-making. Research shows that when you are in an emotional state, the ability to think clearly and make sound choices is limited. That is why it helps to work with a therapist, coach, or other support figure who can help you regulate your emotions so you can be at your best self when making decisions.
Try simple practices like taking a walk, listening to calming music, or having a cup of tea before an important divorce meeting. These practices can ground you and help you approach the process with a clearer head. Also know when to recognize that you need to step back and take a break in a meeting if you feel emotions running high.
Keep Your Children Out of the Conflict
Children are often the most vulnerable in a divorce. While parents understandably worry about how the process will affect them, involving kids directly by making promises, criticizing the other parent or oversharing details only heightens their stress. Instead, you should agree on what to share and how to answer questions. This united approach will protect your children’s sense of security and allows them to love both parents freely, without guilt or divided loyalty.
Keep the Past Hurt and Personal Feelings Out of Communications
You and your spouse are going to have to interact during the divorce process and, if you have children, you will be co-parenting together to raise them in an emotionally healthy environment. When you’re feeling triggered by a past transgression, or even a frustrating current situation with your spouse, be sure to keep the emotions and attacks out of conversations—both written and spoken. Try to assume positive intent when you respond to a situation. If you’re struggling with that, then consider using Bill Eddy’s well known BIFF model for communications: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
The Benefits of a Peaceful Approach
Keeping your divorce amicable pays off in many ways. A composed and thoughtful approach often costs less financially and emotionally. It helps preserve the possibility of a cooperative co-parenting relationship. Imagine how your children will benefit when they see that you and your ex-spouse can attend graduations, weddings, or other family milestones without tension overshadowing the moment.
Most importantly, a calm and civil divorce allows you both to close this chapter with dignity. Instead of carrying resentment forward, you can focus on healing and building a better future for yourself, your children, and even your extended family.
She can be reached by calling 630-560-6840 email anique@drouinfamilylaw.com Or, you may visit https://drouinfamilylaw.com/
Anique has been a collaboratively-trained attorney since 2007; she became a fellow of CDI in 2011. With over 18 years of family law experience, including litigating cases in several Northern Illinois counties, Anique knows the best resolutions are ones that come from the participants with the help of a supportive, collaborative team of professionals. Divorce does not have to destroy the family and people involved; there is a better way. Anique can talk with you about how this process will work for you and your family: 630-560-6840.
