6 Rules for Talking with Your Spouse During Your Divorce
Divorce is a minefield of issues filled with emotional strain and difficult conversations. Effective communication with your spouse during your divorce is the key to a smooth divorce process and can help you to avoid a drawn-out, contentious and expensive divorce. Let’s examine some practical rules of thumb to help navigate these conversations more effectively:
1. Be Realistic About the Process
In any divorce it is important to try to keep your emotions in check and focus on the practical aspects of the divorce, such as financial untangling and future planning. It is unrealistic to expect the legal system to deliver justice, vengeance, or vindication. It’s important to understand the likely outcome before making demands. Many couples spend months or even years fighting over issues that could be resolved if they considered the cost-benefit analysis. Often, people argue about “the principle,” but in the end, they spend far more on attorney fees than the issue is worth. It’s important to remember that focusing on “the principle” won’t resolve the case, improve relationships, or help financially. Being realistic and reasonable, and weighing the cost of conflict versus compromise, can prevent prolonged, costly disputes. Instead, your goal should be to reach a fair and amicable resolution that allows you both to move forward.
2. Ask Questions
One of the most effective communication strategies during a divorce is to ask questions rather than making statements or demands. By inquiring about your spouse’s perspective—such as asking, “What do you think would be fair?” or “Why do you feel that way?”—you open a dialogue that can lead to a better understanding of their motivations and concerns. This approach fosters cooperation and can help you to find common ground.
3. Practice Active Listening
Active listening is an excellent skill, especially during emotionally charged discussions. Reflecting back to your spouse what they said, such as, “If I’m hearing you correctly, you feel that…,” can clarify misunderstandings and ensure you both feel heard. Although it may be difficult to implement, especially in heated moments, active listening can significantly improve the quality of communication and reduce conflict.
4. Express Gratitude and Acknowledge Progress
Even small gestures of appreciation can go a long way in maintaining a constructive dialogue. A simple “thank you” or acknowledgment of your spouse’s effort can help keep the conversation positive and build rapport. Additionally, documenting and celebrating any progress made—no matter how minor—can boost morale and encourage continued cooperation.
5. Avoid “The Crazy”
In the heat of the moment, it is easy to say things you might regret later. Making threats or emotionally charged statements, such as “You’ll never see your kids again,” can cause long-lasting damage to the relationship and the divorce process. You should keep your emotions in check and focus on what you truly want your future to look like, not just in the short term, but decades down the line. Consider how your words today might impact your ability to co-parent, attend family events, or maintain a cordial relationship in the future.
6. Create a Safe Environment for Communication
Collaborative Divorce offers a structured environment where you can both work on your communication skills with the help of the Collaborative Divorce team. Unlike traditional litigation, where lawyers often advise against direct communication, the collaborative process encourages open dialogue in a safe and supportive setting. This environment helps to model effective communication behaviors, making it easier to have difficult conversations and reach mutually beneficial agreements.
The key to a “successful divorce” requires a delicate balance of emotional intelligence, practical decision-making, and effective communication. Following these divorce communication rules of being realistic, asking questions, active listening, expressing gratitude, avoiding harmful statements, and creating a safe communication environment—you can help to make your divorce process as smooth and amicable as possible. Ultimately, the goal should be to reach a resolution that allows you and your spouse to move forward with dignity and respect.
Michael Biederstadt is an accomplished author, speaker, certified mediator, collaborative and estate planning attorney serving the Chicago-land area. His legal practice is committed to providing education and solutions to potential problems before damage is done and settling cases in a healthy manner.
Mr. Biederstadt may be reached by calling 630-233-4223 or by email Michael@fwlls.com or visit www.fwlls.com to book your initial call.
Michael Biederstadt is an author, speaker, certified mediator, collaborative divorce and estate planning attorney in Illinois. He is a graduate of Loyola University and earned his Juris Doctorate in 2½ years from Valparaiso School of Law. From 2005 through 2007, he worked for the Illinois State’s Attorney prosecuting class X felonies, a civil Judge and the Indiana Supreme Court to re-write the statewide jury instructions, representing Olympic and college athletes, and the Indiana Family Law Clinic. In 2007, he began working for a boutique family law firm in the Chicagoland suburbs. In 2014, he assisted a former client in co-founding Rise From the Ashes, a non-profit providing legal assistance to victims of domestic violence in Illinois.
